What time is it?  Oh my God, 10:55?  I’ve been dicking around all morning and now I have FIVE  MINUTES to get to yoga?  Well shit.  This isn’t good.  Move move move move move.  Where’s my mat?



Okay.  Mat.  Keys.  Bag.  Wallet.  What else? Oh right.  It’s cold outside.  I need a thing formy head.  And my  neck gets cold. Quick quick quick.  Ai this place is a mess.  I can’t deal with it right now. Gotta go to yoga.




Whatever, so it’s a feminine headscarf.  So what?  I’m an open-minded being.  It suits me.  So deal with it. Plus I don’t have time to find something else.  Man, why can’t I ever leave earlier?  Okay I’m out.

Duly noted for later.  That’s a good price.  In fact, that’s an absurd price.  How are they possibly making money on that?  That price almost seems exploitative.  What is this, a hardware store with bad self-esteem?  A self-loathing hardware store?  Still, five bucks.  Awesome.  Okay, move the feet.  Yoga.


I’m not taking a detour.  This is right on the way.  I need some new movies and I need to pay this icky bill using money I don’t currently have just so that it’s not late.  Gross.  That’s why I put this cool stamp on here.  To make me feel better about sending such a disgusting piece of mail with my name on it.  Actually I think this stamp is a little too good for this bill.  I’m sorry, tropical fish.  You’ve got a big job to do.  Good luck and goodbye.




Almost there.  Whoa, this walk looks pretty slippery.






Get outta my way, tree.  I’ve got enough problems.



Here we go.  Cool.  Made it. Now I just have to slide in nonchalantly and  pretend that my annoying borderline lateness is no big deal.  No big deal.  It’s all cool.  It’s yoga, right?  Yoga is chill.  Um.  Except I’ve heard of teachers who don’t let you in when you’re late.  They lock the door or they let you come in and then they berate you in front of the whole class.  Because like, being there on time is part of the yoga.  And you mess up everybody else’s yoga if you come in late.  Did you know that yogis are some of the angriest persons that exist in the universe?   It’s true.  Why else do you think they’re there?  Is it because they’re already calm and peaceful and feeling great?  No.  So it’s best not to mess up their yoga by being late.  Too late for me right now, but next time.  Mental note.


Sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak sneak.  Ahh.  Okay.  All clear so far.



And bang, right into the practice. Everybody’s doing something else, but I feel like doing this.  I need it, somehow. I hope I’m not being a total douchebag.  I always wonder about those people who come to class and then do their own private practice in the back, and basically pay no attention to the teacher.  What’s that about?  Why even come then?  Why not just stay home? I think it’s just to feed on the group prana without having to submit to the authority of the teacher.  They’re prana vampires.    Okay I’m gonna get up.  I don’t want to be a prana vampire.

Christ almighty, the adjustments!  Ow, get off my back!  I don’t move that way!  Stop touching me!




Okay I’m good now.  No seriously, I’m good.  Whatever that was, it released something.  Not saying I need that to happen again anytime soon, but it’s okay.  I release it. Sort of.

So now we’re doing inversions.  Inversions are supposed to change your world view, really turn things upside down and give you a fresh perspective on things.   ……….     …………….

Maybe it will come to me in savasana.  Corpse pose.  Ew.  Why can’t they just call this sleeping pose?  Why corpse?  Gross.  That name kind of ruins the fact that this is my favorite part of the practice.  The part where you pretend to be dead.

PS I am aware that there is someone else’s leg or something basically on my mat right now.  But again, I’d probably be a big douchebag if I said something about it.  Like GET OFF MY MAT!!!!! I don’t want to waste the energy.  I’m actually quite relaxed right now.  Notice my hand positioning, on the belly.  Again, it’s not what you’re supposed to do but it’s what I feel like doing.  ………

Okay I’m cold.  I need a blanket.  Oh what, we’re done?  That was it?  Wow, that seemed really fast.  That was an hour and a half?  Whoa.

And now I can take on the rest of my day with vigor and calm.  They are not mutually exclusive.  We’ll talk about that later.  Namaste.  Oh wait where’s my scarf?


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